Wanting a Mom and a Dad

Children of Same-Sex Couples

One man raised by a same-sex couple is speaking out against gay “marriage.” Find out why, next on BreakPoint.

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Eric Metaxas

The Supreme Court is deciding whether or not to redefine marriage—and we're hearing a lot of claims about how well children do when they’re reared by homosexual couples. Sad to say, some of those claims are being made to the Supremes—and they are completely false.

One man who knows a little about this first-hand is Dr. Robert Oscar Lopez, who teaches at California State University at Northridge. Lopez, who says he’s bi-sexual, was raised by his lesbian mother and her partner. And while he’s for civil unions, he’s against redefining marriage.

At “Public Discourse,” a website run by the Witherspoon Institute, Lopez writes of the great professional risk he took when he and Doug Mainwaring filed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court. Risky, because Lopez knows how vicious homosexual activists can sometimes be when anyone disputes their claims. Lopez is speaking out in part because he was asked to do so by others raised by same-sex partners, but who fear the repercussions of going public with their feelings.

Contrary to what the gay lobby claims, Lopez writes, children raised by same-sex parents “deeply feel the loss of a father or mother, no matter how much we love our gay parents.”

These children know they are “powerless to stop the decision to deprive them of a father or mother,” he adds. And this decision comes with serious and often permanent consequences. For instance, they “feel disconnected from the gender cues of people around them,” and long for a role model of the opposite sex.

While they love the people who raised them, they experience anger at their decision to deprive them of one or both biological parents—and “shame or guilt for resenting their loving parents.”

The so-called “consensus” by psychologists and pediatricians on the soundness of same-sex parenting is, Lopez writes, “frankly bogus.” The truth is, there is no data to support that assertion.

Instead, as political scientists Leon Kass of the University of Chicago and Harvey Mansfield of Harvard University note, “Claims that science provides support for constitutionalizing a right to same-sex marriage must rest necessarily on ideology”—and “ideology is not science.”

By contrast, we have a great deal of research proving that the best possible home for children is one led by a married mother and father. Two “fathers” and two “mothers” cannot begin to compare, because, as Professor David Popenoe of Rutgers University explains, “The two sexes are different to the core, and each is necessary—culturally and biologically—for the optimal development of a human being.”

This is more evidence that God's plan for families—children reared by a married father and mother—is the best one. And it's why, —no matter how well-meaning homosexual couples may be—it is “unconscionable” as Lopez puts it, “to deliberately force a state of deprivation on innocent children.”

If the Supreme Court decides to ignore biological and psychological reality and redefines marriage to include homosexual couples, adoption agencies will be under even greater pressure to place children with same-sex couples. What's best for the child—a married mother and faNewsletter_Gen_180x180_Bther—will no longer matter. And more children will be left, as Lopez writes, “to clean up the mess left behind by the sexual revolution.”

Please pray with me that God will give the Supreme Court wisdom on this vitally important matter of marriage—and the courage to use it.  Come to BreakPoint.org, and we’ll link you to Lopez’s moving article.

Further Reading and Information

BP-Takeaction_60313Wanting a Mom and Dad: Children of Same-Sex Couples - Next Steps

Intentionally depriving children of a parent—a mother or a father—is an irresponsible and selfish action, at the very least.

As Eric requests, let’s pray that the Supreme Court justices will use wisdom in their deliberations on the re-defining of marriage. If not, children will be the ones who suffer most.


Justice Kennedy's 40,000 Children
Robert Oscar Lopez | Public Discourse, The Witherspoon Institute | May 2, 2013

Courts shouldn’t re-write law on gay marriage
Ryan T. Anderson | CNN | March 25, 2013

Pediatric Group Backs Gay Marriage, Saying It Helps Children
Catherine Saint Louis | New York Times | March 21, 2013


Choosing to be Gay
Stanley- With this post I hope to challenge the way you think about the statement, "A person chooses to be homosexual."

If a person's choice plays a part in determing their sexual orientation, I do not believe it is necessarily a rational choice made when they are in a calm state & have peace of mind. Rather, it is more likely that they are doing so from a place of deep emotional hurt & pain, and possibly in a family environment that is unsafe and includes seriously dysfunctional and/or misguided rearing, teaching & modeling. This may begin at birth, a very young age, or even while still in the womb.

I am heterosexual in my sexual orientation but have many proclivities in the way I think. For example I have an addiction to pornography, lust & fantasy, & masturbation. In no way do I believe I was born addicted to lust & fantasy, pornography, and masturbation.

I do clearly recall the shameful feelings I experienced as a small child (starting when I first had cognitive thought) as a result of a violent and unsafe family enviroment. My father was emotionally cold & distant, as well as physically and very verbally abusive; intimidation and anger were his primary means of controlling and feeling in control. I also had a mother who was emotionally incestuous with her sons, to the point of making them her surrogate spouses, in part because my father was unavailable even to her. In additon to this I had 3 older brothers who manipulated & abused me. All of this made me feel as if any love & acceptance I would receive from my family was conditional on acceding to their wishes & pleasing them day after day after day.

Feeling shameful & dependent upon my family for any sense of self worth or esteem, and frequently not getting it, I soon turned to pornography & sexual stories, which made me feel like I was wearing a virtual reality mask & temporarily took away the pain. As a small child, and then as I grew through adolescence, I remember deciding that I wasn't worth a relationship with a real girl or woman. I have felt that way all of my life, and have only recently begun to change that way of thinking with the help of God & scripture, therapy & 12-step groups. But shamefullness it is still my default way of thinking, that I am less than others. Therefore I subjugate myself; I believe that I need lust and/or fantasy and/or pornography and/or masturbation to feel good about myself and experience a sense of power.

I do not claim to know everthing about the origins of the sexual orientation of homosexuals, nor do I claim that their experience in life is anything like mine. But I do know that I am the way I am because of: 1. The environment in which I was raised & the things that happened to me, and 2. How I responded to those circumstances and experiences. In other words my environment and my choices affected me in a very profound and lifelong way.

I hope that my sharing some of my experience gives you something to think about when you hear someone say that a homosexual orientation is a choice.
Gina, allow me to rephrase. My former and current churches have taught that those who are kind, accepting, loving, faithful, and humble will be accepted into heaven. It takes asking for forgiveness and accepting God to become a part of his community after death. I know many churches teach that people are predestined to their life after death, but this is something I do not believe. It is our choices that shape us and our relationship with God.
Maggie, with all due respect to your former church, if they taught you that being kind and loving gets you into heaven, they taught you wrong. The message of the gospel is that Christ died to pay the penalty for our sins. Nothing we can do on our own can earn God's acceptance and salvation. It is His free gift.
First and foremost, I am acknowledging that my views may be heavily disputed, and I am accepting it. That is totally fine, and completely in line with the point I wish to make. I was inspired to create this comment after reading some others and realizing that I had a few ideas possibly worth presenting to readers. I am, yes, pro gay marriage. Furthermore, I am engaged currently in a same sex relationship. Comments stating that the homosexual community is demanding and hateful towards those opposed to same sex marriage are the ones I am intending to address. I know my relationship may be highly criticized; some will label it an "abomination" and inform both my partner and myself that we will be sent to hell. I know there are plenty of views other than this, however, this harsh one is not uncommon. My proposal to anyone, even those who do not have the previous opinion, is simply: would God ever send a person to hell for loving someone else? Albeit a person of the same gender? My entire life I have been heavily involved with and loved my church, even though I did some moving around at a younger age. My partner was raised the same, thoroughly involved. Through the lessons taught to me from the Bible, I learned that only those who hate and those who are unkind are sentenced to such a fate. If you are kind and loving, you will be accepted by God regardless. There are so many Christians who would point out that homosexuality is a sin, citing Leviticus and therefore considering the conversation to be over, but I have another question. Is it more important for a person to adhere to the few statements concerning homosexuality, or for them to adhere to the countless teachings of any religion which state that people should simply love, accept, and forgive each other? Love is the basis of nearly any religion and I find that to be something that many people forget when dealing with controversial topics. To make another point, I have always had a difficult time understanding why some heterosexual couples oppose gay marriage on the basis that it ruins the sanctity of their own marriage. I see marriage as a celebration that one person has chosen to commit him or herself to another and has promised to love, honor, and support him or her for a lifetime. Why does one marriage make another any less? Other peoples' commitments do not affect one's own. I would love to marry my current partner. I want to be able to spend every day with the woman who I absolutely call the love of my life. Even in the future we have strongly considered adopting and fostering children and creating a family. I completely understand the point being made by the author of this article that it is difficult to grow up missing a parent of one gender. However, I think this is not being thought out entirely. If the country was to restrict gay and lesbian couples from raising children under that reasoning, it must also restrict single mothers and fathers, and as was pointed out by another commenter, must thoroughly evaluate all couples for emotional distance problems. So here is yet another question: Is it not better to allow same sex couples to adopt like anyone else if it gives children a family, rather than an orphanage or constantly changing foster home? Other role models of an opposite gender can be found within family and friends, and although they are not identical to parents, they are at least an improvement. There are no perfect families and no perfect parents, but as a society we must do what is best for children, even if it seems "different" to some. My point is mostly, though, that people must accept each other rather than judge. It is doubtful that two people will ever have exactly the same opinions and I believe that diversity is something to celebrate. It should not become a basis for discrimination or hate on either side. It is important for people to be open minded; always try to see every single side of an issue, and take into consideration that other people have experiences shaping them which may not be easily known. Though it is easy to disagree with people- I often do- we must do it gracefully and respectfully. A different opinion is not a lesser one. I make my best effort to never belittle the opinions of others, even those I disagree with, and I can only hope those who are opposed to my views would do the same. So in other words, I am not demanding that anyone change their mind, and I am not saying that those opposed to marriage equality are bad people. I have my opinions and they have theirs; we must both be equally respectful of the diversity placed on us by God.
Tolerance Trick
As a point of clarification to Mo. The pro-SSM side is not interested in tolerance, only total agreement to their side of the issue. Tolerance can only occur when there is a differing opinion. It is the difference that gets tolerated. The pro-SSM side believes no one should be allowed to disagree with them. It is called the tolerance trick and they practice it well.
I'm adopted. I have a mother and father. But my father was never really there. He was physically there but he was never really emotionally there. So I still long for a father.
We never know what something will be like. Maybe if I had been raised by two men or two women (Or a single man or a single women because that certainly is the case with biological children) I also may have imagined that I lacked nothing - But that's not the case; it's always occurred to me like I did lack something and it has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with people.
Would I have rather been raised by two men or two women (Or one man or one woman)? Sure if they were cool.
For a lot of children - including me for a while -being raised in an orphanage by nuns doesn't seem so great either.
My guess is that we'll all have complaints about our childhood.
There's just way too many children (children who were made by heterosexuals who couldn't raise them I might add) who need parents. let's stop the moral outrage crap and give kids homes NOW!!!
We all have have a choice to make in this life. We choose to go to school; we choose to wear certain clothing; we choose to work; we choose to do drugs; and we choose to steal. The same way some of use choose to have sexual intercourse before marriage and others choose to save their virginity for marriage, then the same it is for homo/bisexuals. Everything is a choice. The thing is that we cannot make the right choice on our own; we simply need to choose good and then ask God to help us.

All this sexual immorality is from the devil. Satan, along with his evil spirits and fallen angels, isthe one who put those desires in human beings (and he often starts attacking the kids at a very early age). Often Satan attacks the kids during their sleep (dream encounter). Other times those kids are sexually abused by friends or family members and become accustumed to the idea. Other times, they are influenced by the media and society. And they end up believing/feeling that it is something natural and that they have no power over those urges. The truth is if we surrender our life to Christ and ask Him to save us and help us and change us, He will. It is guaranteed! I am proof!

Now one explanation for those children raised by homosexuals who tend to become homosexual themselves is because they grew up believing that it's ok to be homosexual. That's what they have been taught and that's the model they had at home. They simply don't know any better. Then they get confused. So they end up becoming bi-sexuals and the list goes on... Only God can save them--when they get exposed to the word of God at some point and they accept Christ and surrender to Him and ask Him to change them.

It's a God and Satan thing as it has always from the beginning. Satan has been trying to undue and misrepresent everything that God has done. One day soon it will all come to an end!
Let's not jump to conclusions

I hope you are glad your comments were posted. I'm sure it was not because the moderator considered them true. All sides of an issue need to be considered and analyzed so the truth may emerge. See I Cor. 11:19, Prov. 27:17.

Of course no one would choose to be gay after finding out how some homophobic people react to that choice. The choice is made much earlier in life, usually before the individual has sexual desires. Studies that seemed to indicate a genetic cause for sexual orientation have been found to be flawed. See Schacter, Daniel L., Gilbert, Daniel T., and Wegner, Daniel M. (2009) "Psychology"; Worth Publishers: 435, as cited in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_and_sexual_orientation#Criticisms.

For more on the other side of the issue, see "What Causes Homosexual Desire and Can It Be Changed?"
By Paul Cameron, Ph. D. at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron3.html.
Think about it, if homosexuality was truly a choice would any one choose to be gay? My friend attempted suicide because of the ridicule he faced for being a homosexual. He was constantly made fun of at school and beaten up more times than I can count. There would be days that he wouldn't show up at school and I'd be worried for his life.

If it were a choice, he would have chosen to be straight. He tried to date girls but at the end of the day he couldn't fight what was naturally in him.

Very few children would choose to be gay because of the unrelenting hate they face each day by their peers. I've seen it happen and it pains me that people scold homosexuals just because they're wired a little different.

What's the difference between being born of a darker skin color and being gay? None. It's purely determined by the genetic dice. I've asked gay people because I was so curious to see what they're side of the story sounded like, and None of them would choose to be gay if they could decide.

To the comment moderator: please don't neglect to post this comment, as a lack of argument creates groupthink and true opinions cannot be explored, dissected, and contested without proper argument. Thank you
So I suppose someone whose mother died in child birth is bound to be gay because he lacks a mother figure?

What if a young kid is forced to live with his two older brothers. Does that mean he'll be gay?

This article is absurd
Sorry about that, Richard. We try to be careful about how much information we give out about people without their knowledge or permission.
Apology and clarification
1. First of all I apologize to Prof. Lopez for referring to him as Mr. Lopez rather than Dr. Lopez. It was not intentional.

2. By deleting Dr. Lopez's e-mail address but leaving the name of the university where he earned his Ph.D., the editor has left the false impression that he is a professtor at SUNY/Buffalo. May I at least say that he is (or was; websites are not always up to date, after all) at another university in another state?
Great article! It's so intuitively obvious to me that the whole idea of so-called "homosexual marriage" is spiritually, psychologically, and socially insane. But what was once the prevailing common sense is now under such heated attack that few have the courage to argue for what should be obvious. And as this cowardly capitulation helps accelerate the erosion of our cultural moorings, increasing numbers of people will suffer the consequences of thumbing our noses at the clear ways of God... including more and more children raised by two moms or two dads and therefore irreparably deprived of either a dad or a mom. How did we become too blind to see the abusive nature of such socially engineered deprivation? And who but God can fully foresee the dark and depraved results of our careless social experimentation?
You asked for it, you got it

After following a trail of links starting with those on this page, I Googled the name and came up with

Robert Oscar Lopez Associate Professor
PhD (2003) SUNY at Buffalo
Web Site: http://www.textontrial.blogspot.com

I trust the staff of Breakpoint will edit out info they deem intrusive to Mr. Lopez's privacy. But anyone can Google his name.
I believe it took alot of courage, may God guide you and protect you.
Wow, that article took some guts! I'm trying to find contact info so I can thank this author. He makes some points that no one wants to make or hear.

And he is so right about the hatred he will receive from the pro-SSM side for saying these things. There is only one point of view that's socially acceptable in today's society, and that is 100% approval and celebration of homosexuality and all that comes with it. Anything short of that is labeled "hateful" and you will be branded a bigot for life.

This from the crowd that demands - not requests, but DEMANDS - tolerance.

Funny, that.