We all use the word carelessly on an almost daily basis. But how many of us know what it actually means (or what we mean when we use it)?

I'm not talking about parental love or the love between friends. I'm talking about romantic love. You know, the kind that makes your knees wobble and your mouth go dry. The kind that can make you feel light as a feather or heavy as a lead brick. The kind that our culture obsesses over but never seems to get right.

What is it, this thing we call “love”? More to the point, is the thing we call “love” really love?

Frighteningly, our ideas about love are largely shaped by a culture which can’t seem to figure out its own ideas about love. To straighten things out, we need to ask ourselves three basic questions about the meaning of romantic love, and contrast our answers with God’s answers. If you’ve been reading a lot of novels or watching movies on the Hallmark Channel lately, prepare yourself. This rose has a few thorns.

1) Is romantic love unconditional or conditional?

Everyone claims to love unconditionally. But do we really? What does "unconditional" mean—that we have a high tolerance for disappointment? That we hold out hope a little longer than everyone else? Does it mean that I love someone regardless of how she acts because of who she is, or regardless of who she is because of how she acts? Does it involve performance at all? Is it possible to dissolve this kind of love? Is it just a poetic way of saying, "I like you a lot," or does it mean something more than that?

In weddings, the groom and bride vow unconditional love to one another. "To honor and keep in sickness and in health...'till death do us part." And yet a staggering percentage of marriages end in divorce. Why is this? Do married couples simply change their minds after a while? If so, did they really know what they were doing? Did they really love unconditionally to begin with, or were their promises exercises in self-delusion?

Perhaps we need some help defining “unconditional love.”

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Judging from Romans 8, genuine unconditional love is something far graver and more frightening than most of us have dared to imagine. True unconditional love—the kind God shows toward us—is not based on how we act, what we say, with whom we associate, what we believe, or even how much we love Him back. True, unconditional love is the most indestructible substance in the universe. It is a love which endures not because the beloved deserves or even wants it, but simply because she is the beloved. It defies sense and logic. It shrugs off all measurement of scope and duration. It is as profound a mystery as God Himself.

2) Is romantic love basically selfless or selfish?

I once had a conversation with my father about what we would do if either of us suddenly came into a vast fortune. Whether the money came from the lottery, an inheritance, or even our own labor, we could imagine endless, life-altering possibilities. After a lengthy debate about how much of the money we would give away and how we would do it, we both agreed on one thing: we would never let anyone but our closest family members know of the windfall. Our reason? The moment word of our fortunes got out, we would never be able to trust another living soul again.

If I became a millionaire overnight, I would immediately suspect every new friend, every romantic interest and every distant family member of loving me solely because of what I had to offer. Some might still see through the money to the man, but I would have no way of distinguishing these from the gold-diggers. In the end, I might give up the money rather than give up love.

Sound far-fetched? Be careful. You might be guilty of a little gold-digging, yourself. I don’t necessarily mean loving people for their money, although this happens. I mean loving—or pretending to love—someone because of the other things you think she can give you. This goes far deeper than you might expect. There are the obvious motives: sex appeal, good looks, power. But it doesn’t stop there. How many of us have been guilty of pursuing someone not because we viewed her as a suitable person with whom to share our faith, our affection, and our lives, but because of how she made us feel about ourselves, or worse still, how we expected her to elevate our social status?

Obviously, romantic love is not selfless by itself. Eros, the Greek word for that kind of love, is much simpler. But in Ephesians 5, Paul specifically commands agape (unconditional) love within marriage. There’s no escaping the association. And there’s no escaping the descriptions of agape elsewhere in Scripture:

“Love (agape) is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Is not proud? Does not boast? Is not self-seeking? Does this mean that true, lasting romantic love is concentrated solely on the well-being of the beloved?

More than that. God’s idea of love is not only that I should fix my thoughts and actions more sincerely upon the recipient of my love, but that I should literally love her as myself, erasing all distinctions between “her” and “me” and regarding her as a joint stock-holder in the overflow of my heart. This means that I can no sooner cease to love her than cease to love myself. Such a mindset produces love so durable that it cannot fathom using words like if and when. Truly selfless love makes it impossible for conditional “love” to gain a foothold and begin laying those little qualifications that degrade promises. Selfless love is forever.

3) Is romantic love fate, or do we have a choice?

“We were made for each other.” “It was meant to be.” “It’s destiny.” “We’re soul mates.”

These ideas sound attractive, but all too often, they reverse polarities and become excuses to get out of commitment:

“We weren’t made for each other.” “It wasn’t meant to be.” “It wasn’t our destiny.” “We’re not soul mates.”

The notion that God ever makes one human being solely for another—and will honor none but that predestined relationship—is nowhere in Scripture, unless you count the gospel of Walt Disney.

But this gospel is pure poison to godly relationships. Not only does it keep countless lonely young people waiting in vain for the Prince Charming or Cinderella who will never show up, but it provides a ready escape from virtually any relationship.

Coupled with new research which purports to explain the laws of human attraction, this fantasy has the power to absolve just about anyone of any real commitment.

We’re so sold on this idea of irresistible love, that we’ve even come up with a term for it: “chemistry.” This primal, natural attraction, we tell ourselves, cannot and should not be resisted. Instead of seeing biological desires as raw materials for lasting love, we often base our relationship decisions solely upon them.

But what is the alternative? If I cannot view my beloved as my God-ordained partner for life, designed specifically with me in mind, what’s left? In my opinion, something far better.

The “soul mate” gospel sees human love as predetermined and irresistible. But the truth is far more romantic. In Ephesians 1, Paul conveys the voluntary relationship of Christ toward His church, and describes the love with which the Savior chose his bride:

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.”

Something about a deliberate affection—a commitment of choice—adds new dimensions of depth and meaning to the mere emotions and chemicals that we so often mistake for love.

In the end, it is this commitment—not predetermined attraction—which makes the love between a man and a woman worth having and keeping. It is what makes it possible for us to love unconditionally, to love unselfishly, and to love permanently. It is what makes romantic love one of the most beautiful experiences in all of God's creation—and it is also what distinguishes it from the fantasy which our romance-obsessed culture works so hard to foist upon us.

Happy Valentine's Day!

G. Shane Morris is Web Manager and in-house designer at BreakPoint/Colson Center, as well a writer for The Point radio and various online features. As a senior studying humanities at Thomas Edison State College, a former Capitol Hill intern and a 2009 graduate of Focus on the Family Leadership Institute, Shane specializes in politics and worldview, but has a deep appreciation for theology, sociology and the natural sciences. You can email Shane at shane_morris@breakpoint.org.